Ok so I usually post about games and such but this is too important to not post even on a blog devoted to video games, and if things were normal I would be posting about the recent Guild Wars 2 announcements on Dye and Loot. Unfortunately, things have been far from normal.
This past WednesdayRaymond Chase a sophomore at Johnson & Wales University in Rhode Island committed suicide. Why you ask? He couldn’t take the bullying from being gay anymore.
Everyday this week I have seen another fucking headline of similar situations, I honestly do not have the words to truly describe how I feel about all of this. I’m sad for the loss of lives and almost angry at them for resorting to such a drastic measure, yet knowing what they’ve gone through having experienced it to some form myself growing up in rural south georgia. Having contemplated the same actions they have taken. I know I can’t blame them, no. I am not angry at them, more so I am angry at what was done to them, and more importantly what was not done for them.
Most stories like this have something in common, someone with the power to stop it did nothing. I am almost beyond the point of being mournful for the victims (almost not quite there yet) due to the seething hatred I hold for the people; no they’re not even people, humans that caused this to happen. The month has had more gay teen suicides than any other this year. It is fucking ridiculous.
*Deep breathe* Okay evee calm down…..*exhale*
There is nothing we can do for those already lost, unfortunately. We however can work for those still with us. The gaming community in general is not very welcoming of gay men just look at all the xbox live fiascos, uproar about the gay romance option in dragon age, and the countless stories of anti-gay harassment in almost every online gaming community. While this is nowhere near the horrid stories of gay bashing in locker rooms, back alley shootings, sidewalk stabbings, and absolute beatdowns it still needs to stop. The attitude is the same, and what starts of as a few taunts and jeers can escalate into much worse.
I have no idea how to accomplish this, in my current position I honestly can’t think of anything I can do to make any kind of huge lasting influence besides making a blog post. But I have heard about the It Gets Better Project which was started by Dan Savage in response to all the suicides lately. I’m actually going off the buy a camera soonish. It might not be much for now but I will type out my story until I can get a camera to record it, on the off chance even one gay gamer happens to see this and it changes their outlook.
I was born in Miami, Florida my family for the most part are very devoted catholics. When I was 9 my mom moved up to south georgia because of a job offer, it was a culture shock at first but eventually I got used to the small town mindset and small school. I first started having feeling for other guys when I was in the 8th grade, and 12 years old. At first I denied it, I tried to chase after girls, in my desperation to be normal I turned to the internet. I looked and looked trying to see if there was any way to be normal, I of course found the programs claiming to make gay men straight but being a bookworm I researched further and found out their drastic methods usually don’t work. I fell into a depression, my mother noticed this and was convinced it was that I was spending to much time on the computer, despite how most aspects of my life, my grades and sports never really suffered. To this day I really don’t know how she figured out how I truly felt. She confronted me about it and went off in a rage about how she didn’t understand me blah blah blah teenage angst blah blah blah.
She ended up taking the computer away, being convinced that was the problem. My depression only got deeper at this point, now I didn’t have a means of even trying to change. My first suicide attempt was by trying to slit my own throat. I would have succeeded if my best friend had not ran the two miles to my house when he got home from school. He had noticed how gloomy I was at school and just wanted to talk to me, he found me in the living room bleeding. I passed out and only remember waking up in the hospital. He told them he had walked in and found a guy over me holding a knife that ran out when he walked in. The attempted murder case is probably still open, I honestly have no idea. I ended up talking to my best friend about it and in short he told me god made everyone and if he made me gay that was a blessing. I’d also like to add he was the pastor’s son.
With time I accepted myself for who I was and finally came out to my mother the summer before high school. I was horrified at the time and looking back I think it was stupid for me to have been. She had known the entire time. She took the computer because she found out about me looking at the gay reform stuff and didn’t want me to try doing it. To repeat her words “I will always love you. You could be a bum in the street, a millionaire in NYC. Hell even a mass murderer, I will always love you, don’t you ever forget that. You always have to be true to yourself no matter what anyone tells you.” Having had such a good response from my mother I came out my freshman year of high school, this is the only thing I regret in my life. I was constantly bullied, I ended up being to scared to get on the bus so my mom ended up changing her work schedule just to take me to school and pick me up. It was an endless cycle the bullying would happen get worse and worse until I went to the principal about it. Someone would get in trouble it would stop for a bit then build up until I went to the principal again. I still played football, even with all the jaunts and jeers in the lockeroom, I knew they were just words and the people saying them were complete idiots so I ignored it and became the best center and best heavyweight wrestler the school had seen in years. Whenever someone on the teams would complain to the coach who would then tell me I would simply say “Can you imagine how the news will react to a player like me being kicked off for being gay?” I never did anything with any guy, i didn’t shower with the team and I had the captain stall in the locker room so no one saw me change and I didn’t see them unless I was walking out.
I bore through it all until finally one day the endless routine came to a crashing halt. After practice I talked with the coach about new plays (the football coach was actually very supportive of me being gay at this point, anyone who complained usually ended up off the team, wrestling was another story though. I went to go change a bit late and there were only 5 guys or so left. They jumped me in the locker room, I won’t go into detail but needless to say they beat me within inches of my life, and took advantage of my state. My best friend and the coach found me when they walked in after having spoken themselves, I didn’t have any broken bones amazingly but I was heavily bruised and has scratches and cuts pretty much everywhere. The coach tried to go to the school board about it but was threatened to lose his job if it ever got out. I personally went to the police and they just laughed, one of the guys that beat me was the sheriff’s son. The five guys ended up graduating and I was left to my own devices my junior year of high school until I got a crumpled out note very similar to the one below.
So my first relationship began, most people had no idea that we were dating or let alone that the quarterback was gay. The taunts and jeers continued but I was so desensitized to it by this point it didn’t matter, and I had the joy of taking all of my classes with my boyfriend and most of them were the advanced classes where everyone in there accepted me, and the teacher was awesome and basically a second mom. Yay random trips to mcdonalds during class! My junior year was amazing until the last football game, it was pretty much custom for my boyfriend and I to go get something to eat after the game, some guy from the schools FCA (that fellowship of christian athletes btw) followed us and as we walked out after eating they dragged us behind the restaurant. We fought back, and ended up putting 3 of them in the hospital along with ourselves. The entire thing was shrugged off as rowdy teenage boys and the cops never really did anything about it. My boyfriend family ended up switching schools over Christmas break and I never heard from him again, I was heartbroken and fell into another depression I began to seek ways to get out of school, I refused to drop out so I found a way to go to college early as a high school senior.
That was 3 years ago, I now have an amazing life of going to school to hopefully become a trauma surgeon someday. I am openly gay at school and I usually surprise people when I tell them so because I don’t fit any stereotypes. The majority is now accepting instead of ridiculing, I still live with my loving mother. I am still single but i look forward to the point where I find the man of my dreams. I enjoy playing video games as a simple past time rather than as an escape from daily torment. I go to plenty of parties with countless friends. I haven’t told the rest of my family that I’m gay and I honestly don’t know when I will. I’m still young (turning 19 in two weeks!) but I have alot to look forward too in my life. so take it from me when I say. It really does get better.
Expect a video soonish as whenever I put up my submission for the project I will also post it here if only for that small amount of exposure it might bring.
All I ask is if you read this, please consider your actions. Even if being gay goes against your beliefs think for a second how far your actions go. Life is far to precious to be thrown away. Encourage others to consider their actions as well. It’s going to take more than just a few people playing nice to change the outlook of an entire culture.
